The Wishes and The Glitch

Magic Art Print by Jaco Haasbroek

Wed, 08 May 2013 04:42:29 +0100

Dramatic Irony

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 18:35:43 +0000

Just when I think I will stop bleeding all over everything, I see him driving down State Street while I’m inside the pizza place with friends, and it all rushes back. The “what ifs”, the “whys?”, and what happened between him and me. Sure this too shall pass, but its taking fucking forever. Why did seven months do so much damage? How could I have been so reckless? Was it because it really was love? I haven’t ached this badly since Trent and sometimes it feels one-hundred times worse because it all feels so new. There are very few moments now when its such a relief to forget about him, but then I’m all alone & nothing helps comfort the thought that he let me go…

Sweet Sweet Hearkiller

Thu, 13 Oct 2011 03:27:25 +0100

I was not made to be a mother.
I had too stricken a heart, so I wore red shoes to stay apart.
Where did you take me that night so black & still?
He had a badge and a gun, and somewhere, even, had a wife.
He took my face & tore my hips and planted in their place something new and strange and near to love.

A Heart is Stone

Sun, 09 Oct 2011 09:28:56 +0100

Things I learned this week:

•I can impress with my music taste.
•I have a sense of humour. Wait, I think I already knew that…
•I don’t need to try & impress anyone, yet I’m going to keep trying anyway.
•I can “crush” certain people just by leaving.
•Just because I’m advanced in every other department doesn’t mean I have to be advanced in the jaded category.

"When relationships become a ledger of profit & loss you have no friends, no loved ones, just..."

Thu, 06 Oct 2011 04:15:22 +0100

““When relationships become a ledger of profit & loss you have no friends, no loved ones, just pluses and minuses.””

- The voice of John Teller, Sons of Anarchy

My, How it Comes

Sat, 01 Oct 2011 21:54:03 +0100

“There are other things that have happened, things I never wanted to think or write about because I was afraid of being rash, in case everything straightened itself out. It might still. I could ring, send a text, but they seem such poor approximations of communication. If I can’t sort out what’s in this head, how can I put it into intelligible sentences?”

Photo

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 01:58:36 +0100

beanadult: Remember. It could be worse. And it’s rarely as bad as you believe it to be. Unless, of...

Wed, 21 Sep 2011 01:58:27 +0100

beanadult:

Remember. It could be worse. And it’s rarely as bad as you believe it to be.

Unless, of course, you’re being chased by a dinosaur. It doesn’t really get any worse than that.

Photo via Smile Inducers.

"Don’t get in a relationship if you’re going to leave a man if he cheats on you. Because 99% of the..."

Sat, 03 Sep 2011 19:04:00 +0100

“Don’t get in a relationship if you’re going to leave a man if he cheats on you. Because 99% of the time he’s going to cheat. If you’re going to be with a man for 50 years, what are you going to do, blindfold him? Plus, that’s what you liked about him when you met him anyway— he was exciting, spontaneous, having sex in the movie theater. Men don’t really change. That’s just how it is. For some people, that’s too real of a thing.”

- The-Dream keeps it really real. (via pitchfork)

WARNING: The apparent compatibility of common household objects...

Tue, 30 Aug 2011 18:39:43 +0100

WARNING: The apparent compatibility of common household objects may now make you wistful.

B.C.

Wed, 24 Aug 2011 02:54:10 +0100

B.C.

Shiny Diamonds

Sun, 21 Aug 2011 18:47:45 +0100

“There is a look little girls have who are adored by their fathers, it’s that facial expression of being totally impervious to the badness of the world. If they can keep that look into their twenties, they’re pretty much okay, they’ve got a force field around them.”
I think I’ve always known about the bad things.

All the Pretty Ones

Wed, 17 Aug 2011 20:29:00 +0100

It was the beginning of the year 2008, when I noticed J.H. again. I had always seen him walking the terminals when I was working in the newsstands yet I didn’t think anything of him at the time. I recall a wedding band on his left hand and until last year when I was staring into the hallway watching him walk by as he smiled at me; I wondered what happened to it. I can’t remember the first exchange in dialogue, but when I made my transition to a different company, he would still walk by and smile. I always observed people and I especially took notice of the officers. When I made the initiative to smile back at J.H. he approached me and formally introduced himself, shaking my hand as I looked at his badge to know his name.

J.H. is on his third marriage. His first was his high school sweetheart and they had a son. Of course he was young and probably did just what was expected of him, coming back from his mission from Italy, and decided to get married. He got divorced after seven years and married a woman he got pregnant while still married to his first wife. This too resulted in divorce and this is about the time I met him in transition from his second divorce and his dating of Lori, his third wife. Since April, it had been a game. I was a game, although he denied it and identified me as a temptation; I still couldn’t get to him.

It was really fun in the beginning, because he seemed willing to share a lot of himself. One day, when he was passing by, I saw J.H. talking with a girl across the hall who everyday had numerous guys from the airport just crowding her. She was very pretty and greatly desired. I suppose I was a bit jealous and when he passed by me and smiled I just shook my head and looked away. It was a few weeks before I saw him to give him a letter I had written about why I had acted the way I did, I basically declared my feelings to him, which was when he left a business card on my desk with his e-mail on it, which I still have. So began our constant exchange of e-mails.

He sincerely got me into something I haven’t been able to quit, pictures. I was initially uncomfortable. He told me he was dating someone but curious to see what he could get me to do, specifically what kind of pictures he could get me to send him. I caught on to his clue even though I only had a grainy camera phone. Still during this time he would say dirty things and be very graphic but never would he act upon them. I would continue to allow myself to be strung along, thinking one day I would get what I wanted most, just a kiss.

It was about the time I went to England when I managed to check my e-mail and he just suddenly said he was going to stop e-mailing me. I was crushed and forlorn and it ruined my last day in London, but I eventually came back and continued to be ignored by him. I dunno what changed, but within weeks he was e-mailing me again. I played along acting as nothing had happened and began again with the pictures. It was about November of 2008 when he stopped e-maling again, because he and Lori were getting married. I recall him saying “I’m going to have to get off the race track soon.” I didn’t understand what he meant, but I didn’t see him for a few weeks and when I did I just tried to act with as much ambivalence around him as possible.

J.H. believed that he was just a conquest to me, that I’m this incredibly beautiful girl who was just out to prove I can have what I want, he didn’t understand what I could possibly want with him, and in all honestly I dunno what he has to offer other than breaking my heart. I sensed from him a feeling of caring that seems, strangely and hopelessly artificial. It had not even been a year since he had been married, and he was fooling around with me again. He would follow me to my car; put his hand down my shirt or between my legs when I was wearing a skirt. I wouldn’t deny him because I wanted him. Although my friends who know of him would continue to tell me I was in love with him, I would continue to deny being in love with someone as selfish as me.

Posture, Etc.

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 20:39:00 +0100

I can now attempt to tell the stories of my true yet honorably and brutally unnerving relationships. I had been working at the airport for almost two years when a police officer just happened to smile and take notice of me. His name was Troy and although I had a little crush on him, it was another police officer he was usually with, E____ that took the greatest interest in me. I recall one summer afternoon walking with a friend and spotting E____, I asked him, “Where is Troy?” to which he replied, “Who cares about Troy, what about me?”

E____ initially saw me as some cute little girl. But I was to quickly prey upon his mind as some intelligent young woman that he wanted to love as we talked more and more. The mornings I would work, he would be around. We would find each other when I was on my break, and we would walk together. I recall one morning; I was wearing a too short khaki skirt. E____ commented on it and I believe I knew he liked me a lot, yet I was still taken by surprise when he led me into a stairwell and pushed me against the wall to kiss me. In retrospect, he says he was so nervous, I really could have taken it badly. But I kissed him back and as I was walking back up the stairwell I felt his hand creep up my thigh. I recall him asking just out of the blue only a few months after our initial meeting, “Do you love me?” and without thinking much about it I said, “Yes.”

Late at night when E____ and I would both be working, he would pick me up at the end of my shift and take me to my car. I recall talking to him about sex and me being a virgin; he would always talk about how he wanted to be my first but of course he wasn’t, and he was very heartbroken when I told him. Yet none of these men have had any claim on me. He had no intention of leaving his wife because like my mom said, “men never leave their wives.”

Shakes Her Shoulders

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 20:35:01 +0100

I was two weeks shy of my 17^th birthday. I was somewhat forced that summer to look for a job. I had no car and wasn’t to be trusted taking the bus since it lead me months earlier to an after school detour that resulted in a purchase of two boxes of sleeping pills. I ended up in the hospital shortly after feeling a lot of ambivalence and my mother seething with resentment and her own confusion. I affectionately call it my cry for help, but in retrospect it will be the worst impulse I ever acted upon. It all seems so long ago now, staring at my black velvet shoes, with their satin bows, waiting for my mother to pick me up from my interview at the airport.

The company I applied with wants me to start training Monday. The excitement of my first job seems arbitrary all of a sudden as I turn my attention to the guy sitting next to me. He attempts to make conversation as I notice his white uniform and breathe in the smoke of this Marlboro lights. He assumes I’m on a flight back but I have to clarify that I will soon be working at the airport. He gets up to leave and I notice his name on his badge and accept his hand in mine for a handshake. It would be a few weeks until I would see Jason again, I would misinterpret his kindness of our initial meeting for a possible interest in me. I would soon notice the band of gold on his left hand, which would only heighten my infatuations. Jason eventually moved, to Arizona, which ended whatever crush I had on him.

We Lost the Albatross

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 20:31:28 +0100

It started when I was 14. I would creep down the hallway with expectancy. Past conference rooms and cubicles until I found him, sitting quietly at his desk, mulling over papers or conversing over the phone with business in California or his wife. He would look up at me with an expression I would think at the time as annoyance mixed with forced indulgence of this teenage girl but would later find out it was just an attempt to mask his attraction. He would ask about school, a subject I cared to talk about at the time because I had so much potential then.

Little Children -Tom Perrotta

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 04:37:03 +0100

You lie.
It is ridiculous to be at war with your own desires.
But we want what we want.
We both smile politely to mask a
familiar feeling of desperation.
Perhaps you can blame it on a moment of weakness.
As I experience an unexpected pang of sadness as you leave.

After all what is adult life
but one moment of weakness piled on top of another?
Most people just fall in line like obedient little children,
You did exactly what society expected of you at any given moment,
all the while pretending that you had actually made some sort of choice.

We’re both gentle and unassuming.
Perhaps I am the kind of woman who will always surprise you
with the realization that I was just as lovely as you remembered,
though it hardly seems possible in my absence.

I was shocked how you delivered your confessions,
with no apparent sense of being the least bit embarrassed by your failure.
I wonder if you were always this forthcoming,
if anything you were lonely, all too ready to open your heart at the slightest sign of interest.

I was unaccustomed to the sensation of hugging someone so tall
I didn’t feel shame or guilt, just a profound sense of disorientation
But even so,
Perhaps I walked into your arms that day
as if I were fulfilling a secret wish you hadn’t remembered making.

Um, uh oh.

Sat, 13 Aug 2011 00:41:57 +0100

“But before her, I wanted you.”
I’m thinking “What do you want me to say to that,” but instead I just exited out of my gmail chat.

See the e-mail below…

Spiders

Fri, 12 Aug 2011 01:02:45 +0100

Spiders

"Drink up young man, it will make the whole seduction part less repugnant."

Thu, 11 Aug 2011 05:46:23 +0100

““Drink up young man, it will make the whole seduction part less repugnant.””

- Clementine -Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)